I wouldn’t say it was a breakthrough, but a couple of times today, fleeting moments, I had a clear vision of me being able to do this. I’d like to think that it’s the first fruits of my positivity journey.
The thing is, now I feel nervous. Change is scary and the change I am contemplating is scarier even. I am trying to forever beat my BED and that’s a strange prospect.
On the one hand, it’s bound to bring good things, but on the other, well, it’s not so easy. My BED stems largely from loneliness and, in this context, food has become almost a friend. And as friends go, it’s a pretty good one. It’s always there when I need it. It never judges me or tells me what to do. It’s reliable and, also, tasty. It worries me what’s going to happen when I can’t use that as a coping mechanism.
So, how to change this point of view to a more positive one?
First of all, I am trying to think that it’s not that I can’t use it as a coping mechanism but that I’ll be able not to do it or, even better, I won’t need it anymore.
I was overall positive today though. I got some clothes that I was happy with and I enjoyed my time with my son, something that I’m going to miss when he starts nursery in September, and we won’t have the time alone we have now.
It was also a positive day because I’ve kept control over my eating.
I don’t want to blow things out of proportion so I’ll be cautiously optimistic and say I hope there will be more days like this, although I am aware this is a process and it won’t change overnight.