I’m feeling at peace today. I’m not saying there isn’t temptation to binge, but I am feeling OK about it. And yet, immediately after this feeling of strength I have thoughts of when I will eventually lose this sort of clarity and possibly give in to the urge to binge. It feels as if a cloud covered the sky all of a sudden.
The good thing is, almost immediately I noticed this behaviour for what it was and it sort of neutralized it. Yes, it’s a discouraging thought but it is also my brain trying to prepare me for potential disappointment. I’m not rejecting this thought completely, but rather accepting the fact that lapsing back to that sort of thinking is possible but that I will do my best for it to be temporary and return to the steps that I am planning to take to achieve my goals.
There has been more positive progress too. I made, later in the afternoon, a chocolate dessert for myself. I really fancied something sweet and I thought I’d make something rather than grabbing a biscuit. Either way, I made it and I ate it later. But I didn’t rush to it. There was no urgency. There was a ‘looking forward to it’ feeling, but not a ‘I can’t possibly wait!’.
And even more, after eating just over half, I felt full and left the rest. It didn’t come naturally, to leave it, but it wasn’t hard either. There was a feeling of ‘this is not normal, what’s happening? should I really leave it?’ Somehow, there is always that urge to stick to what I know, even if I know that that doesn’t work. But of course, my conscious mind knows that, my unconscious, not so much.
And then there are habits… like finishing the kids’ plates of food. Well, I did start, but I didn’t finish, so hurra for me… and now, some run of the mill, pretty poor song writing, because Eurovision…