Day 7 – The First Week

It’s difficult to judge how much progress I’ve made in positivity this week. It’s hardly quantifiable, is it? I do stare at myself in the mirror and tell myself I love me, but I do still feel silly about it.

I haven’t had many self-loathing feelings at the end of the week, but I think that’s partly because of the group sessions I go to. I can’t stress enough the importance of getting help when you have a problem. You might thing you have your anxiety under control or you’re not depressed or you can handle it, you can ‘walk it off’, you’re tough, right? Well, one day my father told me something: if you can avoid pain, why suffer? This was regarding taking headache tablets, something we try not to do, for whatever reason. Ultimately, he was right. So even if you feel your issues are mild or manageable, it’s a good thing to get help and learn the tools to manage these issues in case they get worse or to stop them getting there.

But although I am right now in a fairly neutral place, self-worth-wise, I do have a lot of self-doubt. I am noticing some short-term improvement and hoping to do the work to make them permanent, but of course there is the fear that it won’t work, that I will relapse and it will all go wrong all over again. My positive take on this is that a) I am at least doing better now and that’s great and b) I have some knowledge now that I hope will allow me to recognize any fall from the wagon as only a passing thing and reaffirm my ability to go through with this process.

I have also had a couple of breakthroughs or revelations this week. One was that the most severe part of my BED started after an almost anorexic-like diet I followed after my aunt died. The other one is an unconscious belief that my mother loves me less because I am fat. Consciously, rationally, I know this is not true, but I can’t shake that sentiment now that I’ve unearthed it. It came about while I was having a cuddle with my son and thought how safe one feels as a child when hugging a parent. It followed then memories of hugging my mother more recently and I had a sense of apprehension, of fear, because of my weight. And that’s how I realised that that’s what I believe, deep down. It’s quite sad and also undeserved. My mother might do my head in about my weight, but in all other respects she is as good a mother as one can ask for. Still, there it is.  I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit shaken by this sudden self-knowledge about my unconscious beliefs and I am not sure how to handle it right now. I do have a positive way of looking at it though and it’s that at least now that I am conscious of those feelings, I can try to find a way to manage them.

I reckon I need another cup of tea, though.

I

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One thought on “Day 7 – The First Week

  1. ptholome says:

    We love you even if we have to change our feelings about people phisical appearence. There is several years I am changing the way I look at people related to their wheight the ones who are too thin like the ones who are the opposit. The society through the medias forms our minds which is a mistake. So, I’ve changed my mind long ago. But we are worried because the health consequences we can suffer when we have wheight to much. So, we are your parents and we worry about anything which could be not good for you.

    We love you because you are our daughter and because you are a great human being, and also because we have thre beautiful grandchildren and a nice son-in law.

    The phisical appareance is not going to change anything. Love is another matter. So, don’t think about that. We are not perfects. We can’t be perfects which is no the best we can be. In my mother’s family people are not thin at all so maybe you have some genetical stuff which is not helping. But you need to believe that this is a lifetime goal. and you need to think in your grandmother, when she had a goal she never stopped until she suceeded, not matter the time it could take she never abandonned her goal. MY first English teacher, AJ hogue has a nice lesson about possitive and negative believes. I will look for it and sent it to you.

    We love you because you are you.

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