It all started well, then it went wrong, then it went ok, then it went busy, then it went hectic, then the kids went to bed. There were some laughs in between there too.
I don’t want to spend too much on the specifics of today, some parts were really annoying and I’d rather not go there again, but I’d like to talk about one of the main goals of this exercise which to be kinder to myself.
I do wonder how we have gotten to a point were all we see are our flaws when we look in the mirror. I find it difficult to imagine somebody who looks at himself in the mirror and things ‘dear God, I am gorgeous!’. I am sure they exist, I just can’t imagine it happening. I’m fighting it, though, in the best way I can. Right now, when I look in the mirror, I am trying to tell myself something I am that is not related to my body or shape. Something like ‘I’m a hard worker’ or ‘I am a writer’ or ‘I’m caring’. Only time will tell if that will work.
The other day I saw some pictures of girls who are my size or bigger in bikinis and so on. I didn’t find anything wrong with their bodies and they were very happy on the pictures. A lot of it comes from confidence, of course. I don’t have a lot of that, not with my image, which is something I want to change, of course. I’d love to be able to go for a swim but I’m petrified to put a swimming suit on. My rational mind tells me that, ultimately, nobody cares but I just know I’d feel so exposed… The thing is, if I don’t cross that imaginary barrier, I’ll miss out on bringing my kids to the swimming pool and the sea. There is still work to do.
In the meantime, my husband has peeled some potatoes in the belief that doing some chores for me will work as a seduction technique… isn’t that sweet?