All really does, by mostly, my Advanced Creative Writing module. I am submitting my end of module assignment – providing that I finish it – and I am struggling to finish it. It’s written, but it needs a read-over and some further, if minor editing. It’s just that I am tired to look at it because the more I look at it, the more self-doubt I have about it. I’ve come to this point (which I always reach so close to the deadline) where I don’t care anymore if I do well or not, all I want is for it to be over.
I’ve had a couple of moments of natural positivity today in which I’ve seen my face in the mirror and I thought it wasn’t so bad. No make-up even. Mind me, it’s not like I ever have time or peace to do my make-up anymore.
I think it’s all made more difficult by having young children. Without taking away from the happiness they bring to a family, they do require a lot of attention and it’s difficult to look after yourself and, I think, because of that, because you’re so tired and you have so little time for yourself, you feel as if you haven’t achieved anything and hence you find it difficult to feel good about yourself.
Even now, apart from the house stuff and looking after the kids, I knit, I write, I study, I read… and yet I always feel like I could do better. I could do more, I could study harder. As a child I was told sometimes I was lazy. It was true at the time. I am less lazy now because if I don’t do the things myself nobody is going to do them for me. There is nothing like a crying child, too, to light a fire under your backside.
Small children seem to put your personal life on pause. Or they used to. I think now, with men being more willing and more involved with children, women are able to do more than just look after the house. Hence why I can go to the gym today again.
My main goal with the gym is not, as you might have thought, to lose weight, although any weight loss will be a nice bonus. It is, in fact, to get fitter. Even if not overweight, any woman will tell you how unfit we feel after pregnancy. It certainly doesn’t help matters of self-esteem. I’m starting to feel more positive about it, though, as I am starting to feel it’s getting a bit easier. A bit. Like, a wee tiny teensy weeny bit. I’ll get there.